It’s me, my feelings, my life

Sometimes i know exactly what i want to write about and i just sit down and write it. Sometimes, like today, i sit down and write because i need to. The result of that might not always make sense to everyone, it might just seem like random rambling. Well sometimes i need to ramble and the result can look a bit like this…

One of my better qualities and one of my worst, in my own opinion, is my mind. People who know me know that my mind never stops working. That is one of the reasons i started writing here, to have somewhere to just vent when i needed to. In my RL my mind needs to work all the time, to be able to do my job it’s always working, always thinking, always finding new ways to solve problems, handle situations and handle people. In my SL it’s doing the same, even when i don’t want it to. i guess that sounds strange, we all think all the time, it’s not really like we have an on/off switch that can turn off our thoughts even if that would be nice sometimes. i often hear, or i used to before Miss Ceejay, that i shouldn’t think so much, just do as i’m told, i shouldn’t talk so much, it’s not very sub like. Well too bad, i guess i’m not very sub like then but then i guess that works well with me not looking like a sub in my boots, according to quite a few IM’s from strangers over this last year ;-))

No but seriously, i don’t really care about the comments, i don’t believe being a sub is about what you look like, how much you think or talk, it’s about who you are. But one thing is true, sometimes thinking too much, analyzing too much, is more a burden than anything else. Sometimes i do wish i could just turn it off. Why do i think that, well it has to do with that feeling that you can’t control, that you’re not good enough, that can appear in seconds just by hearing something said from someone close to you. How you can go from feeling amazing and happy to complete sadness from just a few words said. No matter how hard you try not to let it get to you, it’s still there, taking root in your mind, not letting go. Why is that?

Giving yourself to someone, in a D/s relationship or any relationship for that matter, opening up, making yourself vulnerable is one of the hardest things to do. Putting yourself out there, letting someone else in, letting them see the real you, as wonderful as it can be, just as scary it is at times. Being submissive, feeling the control, the strength of my Mistress is something that makes me feel good, feel happy, but at the same time i need to feel safe, feel loved just as much as anyone else, in a way maybe even more. The more i open up and let go of fears and barriers the more control i give my Mistress, the stronger the bond between us. But the more control you give, the more you open up, the more vulnerable you get the more reassurance you seek, the more security you need. The scariest thing for me at times is when my mind takes over, when thoughts of doubt or worry creeps in and i don’t know how to stop it.

Sometimes i can’t help wondering if there is something wrong with me, well wrong not being the best word to use but you get the point i’m sure, i see people not worrying, not feeling insecure, having no doubts about who they are or what they do and i wish that could be me. Why is it so hard to just let go and take that leap not looking back?

i’d like to think we all feel that sometimes and that it’s not just me, well at least i hope so 🙂 i guess i should be glad those feelings don’t surface that often and are usually brought on by something happening or something being said. When this is concerned i don’t differentiate between RL and SL. Yes i know there are countless of profiles reading that a lot of people take SL too seriously and there are even more people out there thinking it, but i keep going back to it depending on what SL is for you. If your SL is a part of you as it is for me, how can you not take it seriously? It’s me, my feelings, my life.

Meeting someone in SL, getting to know them, having feelings for them is just as emotional as it is in RL. My relationships here, friendships and my relationship with my Mistress are important to me. Adding the D/s part of our relationship to that, things can and do get very emotional and very intense. Then being me, over thinking, over analyzing, my mind working on over drive, things can get even more overwhelming.

So what am i trying to say, i’m not entirely sure myself. Today is one of those emotionally draining days and i just felt the need to try and make sense of my thoughts and feelings so here i am. i know writing it here was not something i would have even considered a year ago or even six months ago but for some reason putting it out there is cleansing, it helps me see things from another perspective and it quiets down the doubts and fears, or at least i hope it will.

As i have mentioned in my previous posts this has been an interesting year, yes the one year anniversary of returning to SL is here and i guess that is part of my thoughts and reflections. A lot has happened this last year, heartache, laughter, old friends, new friends, i guess you could say it’s been a bit of a rollercoaster, one thing is for sure, it has not been boring. Besides being back a year, today is also the seven month anniversary of my collaring to Miss Ceejay. Where did the time go 🙂

As all relationships it’s had its ups and downs, without a doubt mostly ups. i know i have found not only my Mistress in her but also a friend and lover, i know what we feel for each other is real and i know it’s meant to be. Ok i know it sounds very cliché and i usually don’t like saying things like this, but i know in my heart and mind this is for real and if that makes me sound cliché then so be it.

And writing this i think i just realized what the point of this rambling was all about. It’s about people, the people in your life that push you to be better, that support you when you don’t really know what to say or do and the people who don’t really have to say anything for you to know that they are still there, through rambling and doubts, through good and bad and the ones who are there to give you that kick in the behind you so desperately need when you can’t seem to figure out where to go next. And to the Dominants who understand that being in a D/s relationship is about trust. We all have doubts, we all question ourselves at times, it’s how we move through those doubts that build trust in all aspects of our relationships, about knowing when to push and when to support that makes the bond so much stronger.