So here i am writing a blog, who would have thought. i have always said i wouldn’t because it would be too personal to write and publish my thoughts and feelings for everyone to read but i guess in a way it’s easier to write about it than just keeping some things inside, at least that is how i work as many of my friends have found out the hard way after listening to me rambling on and on.
Short background to why i’m doing this. i joined SL 5 years ago, not really knowing what i got myself into to be honest, i thought it was a joke, somewhere people went to get off in lack of a better word, and i figured i’d create an account, look in and then leave, 5 years later i’m still here. But as the title of this post suggests i did leave for a while. And to explain that i need to go back and tell you a bit more about me and my life here.
5 years ago as i came to SL i didn’t really know what to expect, i didn’t really know why i was here but i quickly met a lot of people and i think that was a good thing because looking the way you do when you first enter SL, not flattering at all so getting all the help you can as quickly as possible is absolutely a very good thing. i was lucky i got help and i started exploring. What i noticed was that the BDSM community is spread pretty wide in SL and exploring it is so much easier here than in RL so that is where my SL headed and is still heading. Not going into that many details, yet anyway since i need something to write about later, i had a good life in SL, i had a Mistress who i adored, a “sister” who i loved and later on a wife who came into my life when i needed her the most. But all that changed…
After 4 years in SL RL happened as it often does and my “sister” and Mistress both had to leave and it felt like my SL was falling apart, sounds dramatic i know but that really is how it felt. As many in SL know it’s easy to end up in “waiting mode” you wait and hope for the people in your life to log in and pretty much everything circles around that after a while. It was like everything else stopped existing which really isn’t fair to the other people in your life but it’s very hard to “snap out” of when you are there. And that is where i was, hoping my Mistress would log in, that she would have more time again, not really wanting to see that it was over and i had to move on. i know how pathetic that probably sounds to some but if you’ve been there i think you know exactly what i am talking about and how hard it is to actually take the step and move on. So what did i do, not something i’m proud of today but at the time it was all i could do, i left SL as well and didn’t look back and i hurt a lot of friends by doing so and for that i will always be so very truly sorry.
But now we get to the title of this blog “A new beginning” so yes i came back, almost exactly a year after i left i logged back in, with some difficulty since i had “lost” my account to LL but it didn’t take too long to get it back and here i was logging in and feeling like a newbie again…
First reflection as i came back, i really do have some of the best friends you can imagine, they were still here and they forgave me gave me a place to live and they helped me get back on my SL feet introducing me to mesh and everything else that had changed while i was away.
The biggest questions going through my mind as i came back though was, why am i back, what do i want this time around, will i fit in again, and i had no answers to any of those questions. i know some will say what is there to think about, SL is a game you just log in have fun be who ever you want to be, and i know that is true for so many in SL and i am not passing any judgement on them or how they approach their SL. That is not for me though, i have always been myself, i can’t separate my SL feelings and thoughts from my RL ones, i mean they are both me, right. It’s me making connections, exploring, meeting people, making friends and even sometimes it’s me falling for someone and it’s me falling apart when that ends. So the questions running through my mind as i reentered SL were important to me but i didn’t have the answers so there and then i started exploring once again… and i guess that is really what i thought i would share here, my new journey through SL, finding myself and finding my place in this exciting and sometimes frustrating world and it’s ups and downs.
Why am i writing about it, well mostly i am writing this for myself. When you put so much of yourself into the relationships you make here sometimes you need an outlet, someone to talk to or what ever works for you to make sure you don’t just bottle it up inside you. i am very fortunate, i have that someone to talk to and i do but writing down my feelings and thoughts has always been something that works for me and i guess right now, this blog is really just for me, my outlet so i don’t drown in the emotions and thoughts that can sometimes be so very overwhelming that we forget to take a step back and look at the whole picture…..this is me taking a step back.