So as i sit here writing the next chapter of my New beginning i feel hopeful, i feel more alive and i feel like myself again. But i also feel sad about things happening throughout this and people getting hurt while i was trying to find a way to heal. i have shared the hurt and the anger with you as i have been going through something that has been really hard for me. Through all this there is one emotion that has been very hard both to share as well as admit to myself and that has been doubt, doubt in myself, doubt in who i am, doubt in my feelings and doubt in finding and understanding what it is i’m really looking for. i want to think that i know who i am, what i need and want but lately it’s been really hard to see it clearly.
As i went through what happened with my last Mistress i told myself i wouldn’t end up in a situation like that again. That i didn’t want to feel that hurt, that anger and that doubt in myself again and i approached my SL differently than i have before. Looking back there is much about how i handled that which i regret but i think it was something i had to do to get through what happened. i decided not to get to attached to someone again, at least not in the near future. i didn’t trust my feelings and i guess i looked for confirmation from others, from Dommes and i am not proud of it and i wish i had been stronger and believed more in myself but i was terrified of getting hurt again. i ended up talking to several people, hoping to feel wanted, feeling that the doubt i had in myself wasn’t real, that there was something out there for me, someone who would understand who i am and appreciated me the way i am flaws and all.
i have always tried to make sure i don’t hurt people, i know how it feels to get hurt and the one thing i never wanted to do was to cause another person that kind of hurt. So being honest about what i feel is important to me, being honest about taking things slow and not rushing anything is important to me and as i talked to people that is what i explained the best way i could. i know that talking to several Dommes at the same time might be something i’m judged for or something that people wont understand. All i can say is that i had to find out what i want and need and i had to find a way past the self doubt. i never played one against another, i never led anyone on saying i was ready or willing to go further than i was, but i also know that as things progress, even if you don’t say it, feelings will emerge, especially as you start getting to know each other.
i am not perfect, very far from it actually, i got hurt, i felt used, i felt like i was taken for granted, all of this more than once since coming back to SL and before i left. i know most people in SL can say the same thing and it doesn’t excuse hurting other people, but hurting anyone was never my intention. i was as honest as i could be about feeling confused and hurt and i needed time to figure out who i am and sort through all these feelings i had and have. i will say here what i have said to the people that felt i hurt them and that is that i am very and truly sorry for hurting anyone. But at the same time i want to say that i never made any promises, i was always honest about feeling the way i did and i never ever led anyone on with false pretenses.
So i know this post doesn’t seem much happier than the other ones i have written but to me this is a huge step forward, i do know what i want now, i do know how i feel and i know, and this is the biggest step for me, i know what i deserve and i don’t want to settle for anything less. Yes that might sound like i think too much of myself but as anyone who knows me knows i don’t, quite the opposite actually which is why this is a big step for me, and a step i had to take, something i had to figure out for myself before being ready to take that leap of faith once more. Someone told me that we all get hurt sometimes but it’s what we do with the broken pieces that matter, i don’t think she knows just how much i took that to heart when she said it.
So what have i learned about myself through all of this? i have learned that we are all just trying to find our place, to belong, whether it’s RL or SL we keep searching for that thing, that person who just seem to understand us, who understands that we are not perfect, that we have good and bad traits and qualities but who accepts us for who we are. Me, i know i can be difficult to understand and get to know and i might have more walls up than i am both aware of and want to have. But there are people out there who don’t necessarily see that as a bad thing but actually understand why and are still willing to take the time to work with me to tear them down. In a world like SL where words become so very important i need people in my life who challenge me, challenge my mind. If my mind is not in it, if i don’t feel that what i think and feel is important enough how can i or anyone else expect to be completely committed to someone in a world where everything but our words and minds are virtual.
So yes i do feel hopeful, i feel like i am finally finding myself again and i feel comfortable in knowing that it’s ok to get a little lost at times even if i know i will handle a lot of it very differently if it happens again. So what happens next, i don’t know, i know what i want but it is not up to me, and as surprising as that is to me, i am ok with that because i know that the journey i’m on as confusing and hard as it can be, is not about reaching the end, it’s about continuing to grow and learn, it’s about making mistakes and owning up to them and it’s about finding out who i really am, blocking out the doubts and instead listen to and believe in what makes me happy.