Moving on…..again

So i woke up this morning thinking…..”now what?” But at the same time this is the first morning in quite a while that i have actually woken up not feeling sad or hurt or angry, i actually felt ok. There has been so many thoughts rushing through my head lately, so many feelings that i have tried to come to terms with, so much i’ve tried to understand that it has been exhausting to be honest. But writing about it and talking about it to my friends has really helped me.

Someone told me it’s like any grieving you just have to go through the stages. Well i’m not sure it’s that serious and that the five stages of grief really would apply here but i figured why not, let’s find out…

Denial –
Yes this i really went through, i knew something was wrong but tried not to address it, i didn’t want to think there was something wrong when i heard work was too busy, that she wouldn’t be able to log in, that for now she required less contact in every way. When i actually realized something was wrong i still didn’t want to believe it, i tried to understand, i tried talking to her to understand, i kept thinking things would change back to the way they were, i kept hoping. Yes denial, check.

Anger –
Well i think this is pretty obvious if you look at my previous post. i did get very angry, there were just to many questions not being answered and my way of dealing with the anger and the hurt was and is to write about it. i also went through the blaming myself part, wondering what i could have done differently. i know now that there was nothing i could have done, i am not sure i will ever understand why or how but i do know there was nothing i could have done to prevent it. All anyone can do is communicate and be honest and i feel like i have been through all this. So anger, definitely, check.

Bargaining –
Not really sure i went through this phase. Well i probably stayed longer than i should have when all this started, i wanted to believe she still wanted me, i was prepared to go into “waiting mode” again which i promised myself i wouldn’t put myself through again, so in a way yes i guess i went through this. Thinking there is a way to make it work even when you deep down know that it really is over. Holding on to something that really isn’t there anymore, hoping things will change, i think we all do that, what is the alternative, just give up? So bargaining, yes, check.

Depression –
If anger was obvious i think depression is equally so and it is the difficult one, when every feeling hits you at once and you just go numb. Even if you know it’s over, you know it’s not your fault, you know there was nothing you could have done you still feel depressed, sad, hurt and no matter what you do to shake these feelings they seem to find a way to remind you. And feeling this way about something in SL makes it even harder in some ways because you are not just sad and depressed in SL you are in RL as well of course and you might not have a way of explaining that to the people around you in RL. This is where i started wondering if it’s really worth it, is it worth looking for the things you want when you end up feeling like this. So yes again, depression, check.

Acceptance –
This is where i am now, i know it’s over and i know it’s not my fault and i am ok with it being over. Even if i thought she was the one at the time, i am glad that it came to this as soon as it did. It could have been a lot worse than it was. i’m sure i will never understand why someone would start on a journey the way she did with me and then make a complete u-turn without any warning. But i have to believe that she didn’t mean for this to happen, that her intentions were actually good and i want to believe that because the person i got to know before all this meant a lot to me and i want to think that what we had actually meant something to her as well. So fifth stage, yes, check.

So it’s time to move on, again, and i do feel really good about that, i still believe that it is worth it. i will remember the good things about what we had and i know that what ever happens i can feel good about myself and who i am. i have realized how many good people i have around me, from my closest friends to people i have gotten to know better during this. They have all been so supportive and so kind and sweet and understanding, and i really do feel lucky to have every single one of them in my life. In SL there are so many of us that have gone through this or something very similar, it is more common than one would like to think for so many different reasons. That doesn’t make it any easier but it means people do understand because they might have gone through it themselves and if you let them in, if you let them help you, you will see that there are so many great amazing people in this world. So it’s time to let go of the anger and the hurt and move on.

Things happen, people get hurt, i got hurt but eventually you have to take a step back and decide if you want to let the anger and the pain decide where you go from here or if it is still worth looking for that thing that will make you happy. Me, i’ve decided, i know there is so much to experience, so much to enjoy and yes i might get hurt again but if it doesn’t hurt it didn’t mean enough and i don’t want to go through life without it meaning anything. So i will take the hurt and the anger and i will move on and i will have a good time on the journey where ever it takes me…

/Violet

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