A little more broken

So i thought i would write something that keeps happening in SL, no matter how much we try to avoid it or take steps to eliminate it, it still happens to most of us. We meet people who are not who they say they are. This can be being someone different in SL than you are in RL as in men being women or women being men, some are open about it and some are not. i really don’t have a problem with this but i would like to know so that i can be the one to make the decision to move forward with the relationship or not. In a place like SL does it really matter what gender the person behind the av has or is it the person we connect with? i believe it’s the person and not the gender but that doesn’t mean i want to be deceived, i want to know.

What i really want to write about though is what i see as more deceiving, people who you connect with that give you the impression of wanting a certain type of life and relationship in SL but then for one reason or the other change their minds or never wanted it in the first place. As in my resent experience with my ex Mistress who i trusted and would have done anything for.

In a D/s relationship there has to be a lot of trust, as in any relationship really, but even more so in a D/s one in my opinion. As i am asked to trust someone, to open up completely, to believe that this person cares for me enough to understand how precious a gift it is, i leave myself completely vulnerable to them and their actions from that moment on. That person knows my fears, my taboos, my feelings and thoughts, everything that makes me me. i don’t take this lightly, i would never submit to someone before getting to know them and taking the time to make sure we are both serious about this, but still you can never be sure and if that other person turns out to be someone completely different than you thought, the wound it leaves is not just the loss of a loved one, it’s the feeling of emptiness and numbness from giving everything that you are to someone and them stepping on it like it meant nothing, that really hurts and in some cases break you.

As much as i would like to say that i am careful, as i said i don’t take this lightly and i take my time before making the decision to become someone else’s, this has still happened and will probably happen again. And every time it does someone takes a little peace of my trust, of my love, of my most secret thoughts and feelings, of me and leaves me just a little more broken than i was when we met. And as i meet someone new they ask me why i have such a hard time trusting another person. I don’t want to be cynical or mistrusting, i want to be able to believe that there is someone out there for everyone but with every person taking advantage the harder it gets to believe.

So what goes on in my head when something like this happens, well of course i as i’m guessing many others start to think and wonder why it happens. What did i do to cause it? What could i have done differently? What is wrong with me? It is a normal reaction to feel rejected or that i have done something wrong, at least initially this is what went through my head. The reasons given in this case was RL situation changed and she wouldn’t be able to be online as much and couldn’t cope with both RL and SL. That is a fair enough reason and taking just that explanation i had no problems with understanding and there is no blame to be put anywhere, these things happen and will always happen. But adding the fact that as this was said and i backed off, the person in question spends more time online than she has before. This is where the self doubting and endless questions come into play. If RL is too busy to be online with me, how come there is time to be online without me? It becomes very obvious in my mind, it was not a question of RL being too busy to be online, she didn’t want to spend the time online with me, right? Ok so the question had to be asked and the answer i got was, i am online so much and she gets the feeling that she has to spend it with me. Ok so new thoughts running through my mind, what did i do that changed over the months that we got to know each other to make this happen now? Well i am online as much as i have been since i came back to SL 4 months ago so that is no different. Next question, did she ever bring this up with me, asking how i felt about it? No she didn’t, she decided to just break it off, well not even that really, she decided to tell me she didn’t have time for SL and that she still wanted me but i would have to be prepared not to see her as much and then she hid from me. Ok more questions raised. And this goes on and on and i go from being sad, to hurt, to angry and i still don’t understand.

i hear things from her about me being online too much, me being so very submissive, me taking up too much head space for her and then her saying it’s not me, it’s her that can’t cope. How does one not start to doubt oneself? But then i think, have i changed since we first met, have i lied, have i in anyway not been honest about who i am and did she ever question it before and the only answer i can come up with is NO, so is it my fault? i still don’t know, i want to say no but how can i when i am made to feel like it is, not that she has ever said those words, it’s your fault Violet, but by the way she is acting and from what she is saying how can i think any differently? i just don’t know.

She asked me today to hide from her, as in not show her when i am online, and the explanation to that was that she doesn’t want to feel guilty when she doesn’t speak to me when she sees me online. This just got me more angry, not hurt anymore but angry. Does she really have the right to ask me to help her so she can feel less guilty? She probably does but in my mind right now she is the one who hurt me, she changed the rules, she led me down a path that she couldn’t follow through on and i’m supposed to make her feel less guilty. i know i sound angry and i am, this is a person i trusted and gave everything to, i did everything she asked of me and i put everything i have into this relationship and now she doesn’t want to feel guilty for not speaking to me. i might be overreacting but how can you go from being someones delight one day to being someone she doesn’t want to see the next?

i know i will never understand why this happened and i will probably on some level always wonder if i could have done something differently even if i don’t want to go down that path. And with the help of friends and one in particular and She knows who She is, i will get through this and know that i didn’t fail her she failed me even if it really hurts right now. i am just glad there are still Dommes out there showing us all that there are some good ones worth believing in even when you feel a little more broken today than you did yesterday…

/Violet

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